i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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