oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
