He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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