Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
