Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm both gender and math confused
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize