Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
