You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
