Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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