One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize