Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
