how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
