I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
