How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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