Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
