the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
