isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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