JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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