the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
