If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
