literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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