if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
