if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
