You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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