his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
