i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
