My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
