You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Randomize
