I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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