i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
