What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
