i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
my poor anus
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize