Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
