I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize