For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
