Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
