What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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