True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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