You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize