Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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