my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
