But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
