It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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