im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
