I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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