I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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