so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
