I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize