probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
