I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Brb crying the tears of my youth
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize