My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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