I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
