I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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