I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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