We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
