At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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