Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
