I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I need a beard to bite.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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